If you had asked me yesterday I would have sworn to you that this was our lucky month. We were finally pregnant. My period is 6 days late, my boobs are sore, smells are stronger than normal making me slightly sick some of the time, and I just feel different than I'd ever felt before. When Dana called I almost told her that she would be an "aunt" in November. But I didn't.
I hadn't taken a test yet and there was no way that I wanted to have to take it back. Even though I was so positive, I was nervous to take a test. Whatever it said, positive or negative, I was going to be scared. Positive = excited beyond belief but scared of the monumental changes coming soon. Negative = disappointed and more trips to the doctor (scared of what they will suggest next).
This morning, even though we lost an hour of sleep with springing forward, I was awake at 5:00. My mind wouldn't stop racing. Since I was so sure that this was our month I was already thinking paint colors, bedding, middle names, maternity leave, and telling our families. And then right in the middle of all these wonderful thoughts my mind went completely silent and I was pessimistic again. I had allowed myself to go to the optimistic side and it felt dangerous. I starting talking to God, its the only way to calm myself down and not pop out of bed to pace the living room.
Praying did calm me down and bring me enough peace to drift back to sleep until about 6:30 when the dogs started whining to go out. I still had enough peace that I felt ready to take the test and face the results.
After waiting the obligatory 3 minutes I *thought* I saw a line.It was so faint that I convinced myself I was making the whole thing up and went back to bed still believing that I had no new answers. I still had a full hour and a half before it was time to get up for church. Over and over and over in my head I said, "I completely trust God's timing."
We went to church, Sears, and lunch while I kept up the chant in my head.
By the time we got home I was thinking about ways to let Aaron in on the exciting news. Optmimism was back. I had accepted the barelytherefaint line that I *thought* I saw. I even went back and checked it again. Hey, I think it might even be getting darker!
Instead, while changing from my church clothes to my play clothes I was let in on a little news of my own. This is not our month. November will come and go without our family expanding. Optimism bit me in the backside and pushed me over the edge. This time, being let down was different. I believed too hard.
But STILL "I completely trust God's timing!"