Sunday, February 8, 2009

hold me accountable

The biggest loser is one of my favorite shows. It is inspiring. I know it is not real life. The contestants at the ranch are not juggling their jobs, children, spouses, community commitments, household chores and all of the things that make up real life. But for someone who needs to lose large amounts of weight, seeing it happen is kind of like magic. Even if the contestants I'm watching are not doing the same things I would need to do. They have only one purpose on the ranch and that is to lose weight. Every once in a while someone will deal with an emotional issue and then they will go right back to talking about exercise and eating. I know those are crucial to losing weight and any good doctor will tell you its the only way: eat less, move more. But for me, I need to know more about myself, I need to dive into my own heart and head to figure out why I did this to myself in the first place.

Being inspired by the biggest loser is a very fine line for me to walk. I love seeing that these people are changing their lives. They make me believe I can do it to, at lease for 2 hours every Tuesday night. On the other hand I can not let myself get discouraged when the results I see are no where close to the big numbers they pull week after week. I am at home, without a personal trainer and team full of support. I have a full time job, a house to clean, a husband to make dinner for and chat with, errands to run, commitments to keep and a gym membership that I must pay to use. Realistically my numbers should be much less than the contestants - and they are!

I honestly can't remember a time when I was a normal size. I've been larger than my friends and peers for my entire life. I know nothing different. So for me, its going to take more than someone telling me to eat less and move more. I'm going to have to figure out a way to motivate myself and overcome the reasons that have kept me from doing that up until this point. Part of my problem is that I'm just lazy. Plain and simple. What can I do to motivate myself out of being lazy? I can't answer that question yet. If I could this post would be completely different. I would be sharing a success story, my latest goal accomplished, my time in the last race I ran.

I have gotten to the point in my life though that I am getting desperate to answer some of these questions. I want to have children. It is one of the deepest desires of my heart, but I would never want to jeopardize the health of my children the way I have my own. I want to feel comfortable being me. That's not all about my weight, there are plenty of other things to work out there, but the weight does contribute. I want to be proud of myself for accomplishing something so amazing as losing 80 pounds. I want to not have to think about weight every time I get dressed, walk by a mirror, see a stranger smirk as they walk by, go shopping, ride a roller coaster, cook, meet new people... the list could go on and on and on.

Please know that I understand that I can't fix everything just by losing weight. I know I will still have to tackle self confidence and body confidence. I am putting this little "secret" out into the world to help me stay accountable. Once again I'm setting out to change my life by reexamining my eating and exercising habits. I'm not going to go on a diet, I'm going to change my habits and routines. It's going to be hard, dirty, emotional, exhilarating, and maybe... just maybe I can be inspiring to someone.

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