Sunday, October 9, 2011


In high school I had 2 close girlfriends.  Most weekends Sara, Aimee and I were hanging out at football games, going to the movies, shopping, going out to eat, or spending the nights at each other's houses (never mine, but that's another story).  We talked on the phone for hours each night.  I had shoe boxes full of notes that we wrote to each other during the school day.  We were tight.

But I didn't tell them everything.  In fact, I didn't tell them much of anything that really mattered.  I keep my feelings, worries & excitement, close to the heart.  I blamed it on being an introvert.  But the truth is, I don't really trust anyone but myself with my deepest feelings and thoughts. 

My trust issues were highlighted when I went to college and had to make all brand new friends.  It was HARD!  Since I don't open up easily, not many people want to open themselves up either.  I stayed at my first school for 2 years without any close friends.  There was no one that I could talk to about everything.  No one that I shared exciting or sad news with.  If I needed to tell someone something I called my boyfriend 4 hours away or called my mom.  If I just needed to get something off my chest, I wrote it down in a journal. 

The point of all this... finally... is that I haven't had "close" girlfriends in more than 10 years.  And even then, I wouldn't say that they knew me inside and out.  As I'm getting older I am realizing more and more how wonderful those relationships can be.  And I'm feeling left out.  I'm feeling like I'm missing something important. 

I have lots of friends, but they all have other best friends.  It's my fault.  I don't open up.  I make it hard to get to know the real me.  It's the way I've been all my life.  But now I want to change.  I want to open up and have a best friend.  Someone that I can talk to about anything, any time.  Someone that knows me better than I know myself.  Someone that I can talk to when I'm frustrated with my husband or when my daughter does something super cute. 

This isn't going to be easy for me.  And I need to start slow.  So I'm going to start being more open and honest here.  Like a journal would be.  I hope that if I can get in the habit of sharing my life more easily with the unseen, unknown people of the internet then it will translate into me being more open in the rest of my life. 

*I don't know how my husband ever got me to open up to him.  It must have been a God thing.  I'm incredibly happy that I can be myself with him and that he knows me better than I know myself.  But sometimes you just need a girl to talk to.  A girl's perspective.  Someone to talk about your husband to.  :) *

1 comment:

  1. I totally understand what you mean. It is hard! I am here whenever you need to talk, or vent, or brag about your cute daughter! :) I am glad you are going to use your blog in this way. I think it will make a big difference in your life!!! Hugs!!!