the good & bad of why I've been silent

Sometimes, something so wonderful will happen to me, that I just want to sit with it for awhile and let it be alllllll mine before I share it with anyone else.

After all this time, weeks - months - years, of waiting I got a positive pregnancy test in April! I was completely shocked. That sounds weird to me because I've been wanting it and waiting for so long, but believe me when I say that I did NOT believe it at first. SHOCK! Being selfish, I managed to keep it all to myself for over 24 hours. (I had a special way I wanted to tell hubby, and I couldn't make it work the day I found out.) Once hubby knew he wanted to tell everyone right away, but I still liked the idea of keeping it just to ourselves. But he absolutely could not hold it in, and I thought it was adorable that he was so excited, so we told our parents, siblings, and best friends. But we swore everyone to secrecy until at least mother's day. I didn't want to spill the beans on the blog yet either, but I couldn't think of anything else to post about, so I just took a break for awhile.

Monday (5/4) we went in for a routine prenatal check up and it didn't go well. I've typed it into an email I sent to our best friend, so I'm going to copy that here instead of write it all over again.

"I started writing this email last night, but it gotten eaten by cyber space, so I figured that was a sign that I shouldn't jump to conclusions, and I should just wait until I had answers. Now, I've got answers.

On Monday we went to the doctor at 8:30. The NP {nurse practioner} did an ultrasound and as soon as the picture came up I felt like something wasn't right (see what I get for too much internet and too much book reading). Sure enough, she measured and even though I should have been 8w1d, I was only measuring 6w0d. She ask about my dates and if I could have been off by two weeks, but I'm positive of when my LMP {last menstral period} was and of the day I got the BFP {big fat positive}. She then found a S...L...O...W heartbeat, so she said not to worry tooooo much.

I went ahead and got my glucose test and all my blood drawn. Then when we went to check out she had marked "threatened AB" {miscarriage} on the paper and requested that I come back for another ultrasound that same afternoon at 2:30 with an "expert" and then come in to see the MD on Wednesday and have my HcG levels retested to see if they were doubling. The "expert" was much more optimistic than my NP had been. She said that there could be many reasons to be 2 weeks behind and that since she saw a heartbeat she felt pretty good about everything. She even gave us an ultrasound picture with "Hi Mom and Dad!" written on it.

Monday after the 2 invasive ultrasounds I had some spotting that was heavier that I had been having, but they said not to worry it was probably from the ultrasounds. Wednesday morning I had more heavy spotting that I told the MD about at my afternoon appointment. That appointment was useless... he was neither reassuring nor gloomy, I had to tell HIM why I was even there, they did not even have my numbers back from Monday's blood draw. He said to call the NP today to talk about my bloodwork and determine when she wanted to see me again.

So when I called this afternoon, of course they had to call me back. And when they did the nurse was very nice and helpful as she gave me instructions to page the MD on call this weekend if my bleeding gets heavy because my numbers have indeed fallen. So it looks as if there won't be an addition to our family in December after all.

On an optimism scale of 1-10 (1 being low, 10 being high) I had fallen from a 10 to a 2 after everything on Monday. Poor Aaron was/is still so hopeful that it's breaking my heart. We all know he's not the optimistic kind to begin with. When he heard the numbers had fallen today, I could just see his heart sink. I didn't know how excited he really was until that very moment. He already wants to know when we can try again. He really has turned a corner on this parenthood thing :) I'm sorry to dump that all on you in an email. I just can't say it right now, and I didn't want to completely ignore your text from earlier this afternoon. Thanks for asking though! :)"

I just wanted everyone to know where I've been and especially to remember and honor the women who's children are not with them this mother's day.

Happy Mother's Day to EVERYONE!