what I didn't know I needed

Ever since we started trying to get pregnant we have kept it very quiet. I'm talking about almost no one knows. Our parents don't even know. Aaron's mom is a little pushy and has been asking us for grandchildren practically since we got married. My mom is "the mouth of the south" as Aaron lovingly refers to her and we wouldn't have a secret anymore.

We decided to keep it quiet because I hate being ask the same question over and over and then dealing with the pity "Oh I'm so sorry" that inevitably follows. Even when I was applying for jobs, I didn't tell many people because I didn't want to explain away the interviews that didn't go my way. The psychological side of me tells me that it all goes back to not wanting to fail, and even more importantly, not wanting anyone to know about it.

The only people that know we are trying are our best friends... yup the ones that just had a beautiful little princess. Dana's mom also knows, which doesn't bother me at all. She just asks Dana for updates and has never even hinted that she knows of our struggles. That's the way I like it!

Dana asks me roughly each month if there's anything new. I know what she's asking, but she isn't pushy. She waits for me to come to her if I have something more specific to talk about. The thing that gets me is that she is so dang optimistic. And Aaron is too, oddly about this BUT NOTHING else in his entire life! I'm usually the optimistic, brighter side, happy-go-lucky one in a sea of pessimism radiating out of Dana and Aaron, but not this time. Now its my turn to be on the side of doubt and confusion and negative. Sometimes I just want to yell, "It's not that easy for us, it's not going to happen, it's going to be a long time, this isn't the month for us!"

I guess that's the great thing about friends, they know what you need and how to give it to you, even if its not what you really want to hear at the moment. Her optimism was hard to hear today, but it re-lit a glimmer of hope deep in my soul that I needed more than I even knew!