The randomness that is me...

You may need to hold on tight, I don't know where this post will take us.  Here are a bunch of random things running around in my head today...

*I've decided to sign up for two 5K races in October.  I've walked both of them before but this year I am determined to JOG/RUN them.  I'm putting this out for all of you nice folks to read to help keep me accountable.  The way I see it, I've given myself plenty of time to train and get ready, so there is no excuse.

*One of these races had '09 sign ups at the end of the '08 race, but I didn't complete the early registration because I was hoping that I would have a tiny baby to use as my excuse for not running the race.  {You can sign up to walk any'ole time, but you have to sign up to run it in advance.} I'm not giving up on the possibility of being pregnant at the time, but I've decided not to let that stop me from living life right now.  And I'd GLADLY give up my nonrefundable registration fee if I do get pregnant and can't run the race.

* I was flipping through some cookbooks this weekend trying to plan our menu for the next week and I found an abundance of soup recipes that I wanted to try.  I LOVE SOUP, so having it every night wouldn't bother me.  But I limited it to 3 out of 7 nights for hubby's sake.  Next week is likely to be another week full of soup though so that I can try out the rest of the yummies that I found.  

*Spring break starts in 3 and a 1/2 days!

*I'm trying to plan my spring break week very carefully so that I have time to get plenty of my to-do list done, but also have lots of leisurely hang around time.  

*Yesterday I was unsuccessful at convincing myself NOT to go to the fabric store.  I went and bought 4 yards of fabric to make someone {I haven't decided yet} a new quilt.  

*I have another quilt top sitting in my craft space {aka the dinning room} that is just waiting to be basted and quilted.  I'm trying some new batting that is making me nervous so I keep putting off getting it done.  JUST DO IT! <- That's what I think every time I walk by and see it still laying there. 

*Driving to work this morning I was behind a fellow teacher.  She stopped at a sketchy gas station very close to our school.  It was only when she pulled in that I realised that I too desperately need gas.  We are talking needle in the red desperate.  I won't be stopping at the sketchy gas station though.  I've already put hubby on alert that I may need him to bring me gas! HA!

*We went to the grocery store late Saturday night after going out to eat.  When we got home I was so tired I told hubby to just hand me the cold stuff to put away.  All the pantry stuff could stay on the table until the morning.  Sunday night I finally got around to putting all the stuff away {don't be jealous of my fantastic housekeeping skills!} and picked up a bag that had 2 bags of frozen veggies and a 4 pack of cottage cheese cups.  GROSS!  It all went into the trash can.  From now on I'll put all the groceries away so that we don't end up wasting perfectly good food again.  

This was fun!  

What is a girl to do?!

The summer concert schedule is really heating up around here (but this isn't even the final draft - holy cow). I pretty much want to go to all of them... BUT there is this little issue of money. I've started saving my pennies as of yesterday. Here's to hoping I win a lot of radio contests!

April 24th - Alan Jackson
May 17th - Little Big Town
May 29th - Gary Allen with Zac Brown Band *FREE*
June 1st - Jamey Johnson
June 12th - George Straight with Blake Shelton and Julianne Hough
June 25th - Kenny Chesney with Miranda Lambert and Lady A
July 3rd - Leanne Rimes *FREE*
July 10th - Toby Keith with Trace Adkins
July 11th - Josh Turner *FREE*
July 24th - Brad Paisley with Dierks Bently and Jimmy Wayne
August 7th - Jason Aldean *FREE*
August 21st - Gretchen Wilson *FREE*
September 10th - Rascal Flatts with Darius Rucker
September 19th - Jack Ingram

This is for the dogs

I've got my 2 pups, plus our foster man Tate AND I'm dog sitting for my friend down the street who has 3 dogs. That's 5 Great Danes and a crazy little mix guy. My husband is threatening to sleep in the garage until Monday. And right now I can't say I blame him. Maybe I'll join him :P


And to top it all off... it is suppose to rain until further notice... or at least Tuesday. My yard is already a mud hole and I've got muddy footprints completely covering the kitchen floor. Awesome weekend ahead! :)

feeling like a jerk

I was insensitive to my hubby this morning about one of his "hot button" issues.  I knew I was being a jerk when it happened but I couldn't seem to stop myself.  He is WONDERFUL about not jumping back all over me and instead letting me realize my own faults, which probably gets the point across even more.  Now I'm at work feeling terrible about starting his day off on the wrong foot.  We kissed and made up before he left and I texted him an apology just a minute ago, but I still feel like a jerk.  And today is my day to be on duty in the Kindergarten hall which is not my favorite pastime.  

Hope this day gets better... and soon!

***I know my problems are not anywhere near the magnitude of those that others are facing.  I almost didn't say anything at all because in comparison, I've really got nothing to complain about.  I'm praying for Stellan!***

Hysterical

This morning Hubby and I are were getting ready for work.  I was in the kitchen, Hubby was in the bedroom and the dogs were in the living room.  I heard a noise.  I couldn't tell where it came from, but it sounded like a sneeze.  I bless my dogs when they sneeze just like I bless my husband when he sneezes so I hollered out,  "Bless You!"  My husband poked his head down the hall and asked,  "Whadya say?"

"I said 'Bless You.'"

He started laughing hysterically.  

I'm very confused at this point.  "What? It's to early to be laughing at me and I don't even know why!"

He caught his breath just enough to answer "That was a fart!"  Before laughing his head off again!

It's usually two or three hours later when I think of my good come back lines, but this morning I was on... "Well then bless the rest of us who have to smell that!" 

Great to start the day off laughing :)

Fast Forward

Saturday felt like a fast forward kind of day.

It all started on Wednesday night when Hubby went to his friend's house to watch basketball. Our team was playing in the first round of the NIT. We didn't make it to the NCAA but we were expected to do fairly good in the NIT. On Wednesday night they finally won in double overtime. Hubby came home and half heatedly mentioned that they played again on Saturday.

Thursday Hubby mentioned again that they played again on Saturday. At home. For the last time this season. On Saturday. At home.

I got it.

We decided to go to the game (by the way, I LOVE watching college sports. Especially in person. Especially at my beloved Alma mater.) which started at 11AM Saturday morning. The tickets were all general admission though, so for good seats it was recommended you be there by 9:30. Campus is 5 hours away from our house. We also didn't have anyone to come and dog sit so we would have to make this a one day trip.

At the unspeakable hour of 4AM we left our house. There wasn't even anywhere open to get a drive through breakfast! I couldn't take it anymore and stopped at 8:30 for some much needed Starbucks, stretching, potty break, and change of drivers.

We got to campus right around 9. Hung out in our awesome seats for an hour and a half. The game started poorly and didn't go our way from the very first (missed) shot.

After the game we did a little shopping, met my sister and brother-in-law for dinner and got back on the road. We got home at 10PM. Exactly 18 hours after we left.

It was the most spontaneous day we've had in a long while. I LOVED IT! I had so much fun just hanging with my sweetie all day, wishing we were 19 and in college again, singing at the top of our lungs for 10 hours, feeling the emotions of the players on the court, inching along in traffic, seeing my sissy, and just being exhausted.

Wordless Wednesday - Gotcha Day 4 years later

not so bad after all

I got a heads up on Monday that I was going to be observed on Tuesday morning.  We are suppose to be observed 3-5 times a year and so far they have all gone great.  For this one though I was a little nervous.  Keep in mind that Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day and we also had a Tornado Drill yesterday morning.  

To say the least, my kids were EXCITED!

Yesterday came and went with no observation and I was a little relieved, but then nervous again because now my surprise observation would really be a surprise.  

Well it happened today.  And even though my assistant was out today the kids did a great job!  I was so proud of them.  My assistant principal even said that the class was great and my lesson was "awesome!"  

Whew!  It's always nice to have someone tell you that you did a good job!

Control... my 4 letter word

There are heaps upon mounds upon piles upon towering bundles of things in my life that I have absolutely no control over.

I can't control whether the budget cuts in my city's school district will allow me to keep my job in September.
I can't control when/if we get pregnant.
I can't control when this rain will stop (can I PLEASE take my kindergartners outside for recess?)!
I can't control how other people think of me.
I can't control the drivers in front of me cutting me off and then going 5 miles under the speed limit.
... just to name a few.

But there IS something that I want very badly to change and it turns out, I have quite a bit of control over it. I want to be healthier. Today has been a great day in that department. I've been waking up with yoga in the morning. I also added Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred to the mix this afternoon. Grueling, but in a good way. Today also marked the 2nd day of being very diligent about what I eat. I've gone the way of completely restricting before and it didn't work out for me. Now I'm being diligent and aware, but not banning any food groups. I've made great choices so far and I'm proud of myself!

The things I can NOT control are abundant. And that is a good thing. God is very good at being in control of all these things and He knows much better than I do what is good for me at any given time. It is nice to remember though, when things feel like they are spinning away from me, that there are things I CAN control.

Not Me Monday

If things happen at your house during the week that you'd rather not call your best friend and chat about but you just HAVE to get them off your chest, hang around a bit. Read all my crazy confessions and then head over to my charming kids where MckMama shares her confessions. Mckmama is the one who started this whole wonderful therapy session. Join in and share some of your own fun then go link your entry to MckMama's Mr. Linky for a chance to win a prize!

Ok, here we go...

I always plan my menus for the week and then cook ahead some on the weekend. (Ok, Ok! I planned last weekend and then didn't get around to making some of it last week, so I was playing catch up.) Well, I have this fabulous recipe for bran muffins that makes enough to feed a small army, but you can keep it in the fridge for 2 weeks and bake them up as you need them. Well I did not begin mixing in some of the ingredients only to realize that the buttermilk I bought last weekend had expired two days ago. Dang! Looks like I'll be making a run to the store for buttermilk tomorrow.

I did not get hooked on some quilting blogs over the last week. I have not spent way too much time looking at all the beautiful creations. And I certainly have not been completely overwhelmed with how much I have left to learn. There is lots of practice in my future. Anyone want to adopt one of my practice projects? There will NOT be enough closet space in my house to keep all these ideas I've got floating around in my head.

I am not incredibly excited about the NCAA Tournament. March Madness is not a very fun time around my house. Hubby and I do not both fill out a bracket and then keep track of who is winning throughout the whole tournament. I have not beat him 5 out of the 7 years we've been doing this. I do not get to pick the prize for the winner this year and I am surely not at a loss for what I could win! I've got until Wednesday to decide. Any ideas on this one?

I did not make myself two appointments on the same day over spring break. That would make me a glutton for punishment. That would mean I have to get on the scale in front of "strangers" twice in one day. That would mean I have a lot of waiting ahead of me on that day. At least I'll get a lot of reading done that day.

I did not discover some sweet potato chips, fall head over heels in love, and eat the whole bag in 2 days. Not me, I've got two doctors appointments to pretend like I'm a health nut for.

I did not spend $50 on copying at Office Max since my school cut our copy budget. My husband did not just about lose his mind when he saw the total for the copying I had done. I've taken a good look at what I absolutely need and what I can get by without. $50 on copies is beyond ridiculous in this kind of economy (well actually ever!)!

Now jump right over to MckMama's blog and join in on the fun for yourself. You might even win a prize!

Ready...

Set...

GO!

We make plans and God laughs

On Thursday night we went out to eat with Dana, Mikey, and tiny little Brooklyn. It was their first real outing since Brooklyn arrived. She is just over a month old now and I haven't seen her since she was two weeks old. I could already tell that she had grown so much.

When we got to the restaurant Brooklyn was eating, but Dana handed her over to me as soon as she was finished. She was so teeny tiny and had that wonderful baby smell and she was so soft and she made the cutest little grunts and gurgles and her eyes were open this time.

It was heaven and hell at the same exact moment. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face but at the same time my eyes were welling with tears.

Dana and I had this "plan" of having families together. We started trying at the same time. It took awhile, but then they got pregnant and then lost the baby. I was grateful that we hadn't done that together. We all continued trying. A little over a year later they got pregnant again. Now they have this sweet newborn. If it was almost anyone besides our best friends I don't think I could stand it. And it is hard as it is. I'm 100%, undoubtedly, positively, absolutely, genuinely happy for them. I just can't help but wish we were doing this together... like we "planned."

~~~~~~~~

That was on Thursday and I've been in a bit of a funk ever since. I haven't wanted to leave my house (HIGHLY unusual for me) or see anyone other than hubby. This funk has also made me want to eat anything in our house... NOT GOOD! Tonight my parents called to see if we had eaten dinner yet. I wanted to tell them that we had and then just stay home, but we ended up going out with them and it was really good to get out of the house after all. I think some shopping would have made it even better ;)

I'm choosing my attitude now. The rest of the weekend won't be wasted on my pity party!

Tate

Tatems lounging in the grass.

Dolly (L) and Tate (R) sharing the bed they slept together on almost every night.

Tate during a play date with his little friend - baby Clark

For over 2 years now we have been a proud foster home for the Mid Atlantic Great Dane Rescue League. We have had 11 fosters in that time frame. Some have stayed for as little as a week (some shorter, but I considered that babysitting, not fostering) and then we've had the long timers that have been with us for 9+ months. Our girls love the company and I love knowing that I'm helping these dogs know the love and comfort of a home.

Enter Tate. Tate has been with us since September '08 but he is not truly considered a foster dog. Tate came through MAGDRL over a year ago when he was just a little 4 month old puppy. We were not his foster home then, but we met him and he came down to our house for a few play dates. He was quickly adopted (as most puppies are) by a loving family who did a great job raising him with the manners necessary for a big dog.

Unfortunately, Tate's dad got orders to transfer from Virginia to Hawaii in the middle of the summer. It was too hot for Tate to fly at that time, so his dad found him a place to stay until it was cool enough to fly in the cargo area of the plane. That situation did not work out and Tate came to stay with us. After several failed transport dates, Tate's dad finally made it back to VA to pick Tate up this weekend.

The flight was scheduled for tomorrow. Tate's dad came and picked him up today to get him all ready for his big day tomorrow. BUT, the airport had other ideas. They now say that Tate's crate is too big to fly on the plane tomorrow. Hello?! He's a Great Dane. He's a big dog. He needs a big crate! We have to wait for a flight on a bigger plane to take Tate to Hawaii. This is just the latest crazy obstacle in this whole crazy ordeal. Tate's dad is upset that he won't be able to take his big baby with him. I'm sad for him too, but secretly a little glad that I get a little more time to love on the big goof!

Tate has become a part of our family in the last 6 months and our girls love him. We will be sad to see him go. It will be made easier though by knowing that his dad has fought for him for the last 6 months because he just loves him so much.

we ate on the couch

In the fastest shipping I've ever gotten, the last 3 fabrics I needed got here yesterday. I only ordered them on Saturday. Are you kidding me?! I was impressed and beyond excited!

Anyway, I've got all my fabric cut and I've started arranging it to make my next quilt top. This isn't even half of it yet, but its what I've got so far. I made a plan, but I'm not working from a pattern exactly.

This is all sitting on my kitchen table. Where we normally eat dinner every night. So we ate on the couch tonight. And we probably will tomorrow too. I've got a super supportive husband. He may think I'm crazy some days, but he still loves me and lets me do crazy things like take over our dinning room with crafty goodness.

wide view, only about 1/3 of the way arranged

close up of some of the fabrics. they are so beautiful in person!

the case of the missing class

The bell rang at school this morning and I only had 9 of my 19 students. The nasty flu bug making its way through my class? A late bus (or two)? Spring like weather smack dab in the middle of our cold spell and they are all skipping (kindergartners can skip class, did you know that)? Pancakes so good in the cafeteria that no one wanted to stop stuffing their faces? A rash of crazy behavior has everyone suspended?

Great guesses guys, but actually it was just that pesky daylight savings time! Yup, that's right, the one that happened over 24 hours ago. The one that you should have probably realized and corrected sometime on Sunday. The one that automatically resets itself on your cell phone, cable, and computers. The one that the principal did a connect-ed call about and reminded you to spring your clocks forward. Running out of excuses huh?

Almost exactly one hour late, I got five more of my students. Then two more wandered in a little later. Finally one showed up just in time for lunch.

To make everything even better, it was picture day. Fall pictures are yearbook pictures while spring picture day means it is class picture time. Kindergartners take pictures first thing in the morning so that they don't have time to get paint on their face, drip ketchup on their spiffy clothes, snag their tights, cake their new shoes in mud, or completely unravel their hair. Our class picture was sparse today.

At least it was nice and sunny outside until after dinner time!

Not Me Monday

Its time for some weekly therapy (a tad bit early) with MckMama over at my charming kids. Join in and confess all the things that most certainly did NOT happen in your life this week.



I did not turn over and reset my alarm twice this week. I got up each morning at 5 am when my alarm went off so that I could get in a workout before I headed off to work. Those morning workouts make me feel so much more alert and focused during the day that I most certainly would not skip them just to get an extra hour of sleep.



It would have been very silly for me to log in to ebay and bid on a nursery bedding set since I don't have any babies, so I did not do that! Besides, the bedding was much much much to expensive, so I did not begin "watching" the item so that I can think about buying it later.



I did not get cabin fever so bad after being at home for only ONE day during our snow day that I made my husband take me to BJs once he got home from work. We didn't actually need anything so I would never risk going out with all of the other southern drivers who have no idea how to drive in 2 inches of snow.



Thank goodness that I did not cut out the fabric I need for my next quilt project only to discover a mere 3o minutes later that there were three more coordinating fabrics available that I had to have. So I did not put everything quilting related on hold until the new fabrics get here. At least I did not leave it all sprawled out on the dinning room table to prevent us from eating dinner for the last two nights.



I did not promise myself that I would not freak out about whatever happened regarding the budget cuts and job cuts for teachers next year in my city and then promptly feel my heart beat faster and catch my breath when the principal called a meeting. I am not still on pins and needles because the meeting on Friday afternoon was not just to tell us that they don't have any new information. That {lack of} announcement did not make me very frustrated!



If you are not completely confused yet, head over to MckMama's to see what every one else did not do this past week!

God's timing

If you had asked me yesterday I would have sworn to you that this was our lucky month. We were finally pregnant. My period is 6 days late, my boobs are sore, smells are stronger than normal making me slightly sick some of the time, and I just feel different than I'd ever felt before. When Dana called I almost told her that she would be an "aunt" in November. But I didn't.

I hadn't taken a test yet and there was no way that I wanted to have to take it back. Even though I was so positive, I was nervous to take a test. Whatever it said, positive or negative, I was going to be scared. Positive = excited beyond belief but scared of the monumental changes coming soon. Negative = disappointed and more trips to the doctor (scared of what they will suggest next).

This morning, even though we lost an hour of sleep with springing forward, I was awake at 5:00. My mind wouldn't stop racing. Since I was so sure that this was our month I was already thinking paint colors, bedding, middle names, maternity leave, and telling our families. And then right in the middle of all these wonderful thoughts my mind went completely silent and I was pessimistic again. I had allowed myself to go to the optimistic side and it felt dangerous. I starting talking to God, its the only way to calm myself down and not pop out of bed to pace the living room.

Praying did calm me down and bring me enough peace to drift back to sleep until about 6:30 when the dogs started whining to go out. I still had enough peace that I felt ready to take the test and face the results.

After waiting the obligatory 3 minutes I *thought* I saw a line.It was so faint that I convinced myself I was making the whole thing up and went back to bed still believing that I had no new answers. I still had a full hour and a half before it was time to get up for church. Over and over and over in my head I said, "I completely trust God's timing."

We went to church, Sears, and lunch while I kept up the chant in my head.

By the time we got home I was thinking about ways to let Aaron in on the exciting news. Optmimism was back. I had accepted the barelytherefaint line that I *thought* I saw. I even went back and checked it again. Hey, I think it might even be getting darker!

Instead, while changing from my church clothes to my play clothes I was let in on a little news of my own. This is not our month. November will come and go without our family expanding. Optimism bit me in the backside and pushed me over the edge. This time, being let down was different. I believed too hard.

But STILL "I completely trust God's timing!"

perfect spring like days

The weather around here is funky. We had snow on Monday with traces left over until Wednesday. Today it is 75*!

The moto around here is "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes."

Things I love about 75* Spring like weather

• long walks with the dogs where I don't get frost bite OR sunburn
• reading in a comfy chair outside under the sun with a nice breeze
• birds singing
• all the neighbors coming out of hibernation to wash cars and do yard work and most importantly - catching up after the cold winter
• open windows to air out the stale house
• taking a little mid day siesta under one of those open windows with the birds singing
• driving with the windows down and sun roof open with the radio up loud
• clothes out on clothes lines
• flip flops and painted toe nails

Actually, just about EVERYTHING seems better when it's so perfect outside!

Fridays at my school have become Denim Days in order for hospitality to raise enough money for all the baby/bridal/retirement showers they have coming up (that is a whole other post). The problem is that our principal does not like us to wear jeans, she thinks it is unprofessional so she is sort of against this. She did agree to it and doesn't complain, but then again, one of the retirement parties is for her.

I am absolutely thrilled to be able to wear jeans 1 day a week. The problem is that I have the hardest time trying to decide what top and shoes to wear with my jeans. Since the principal already perceives jeans as unprofessional I don't want the rest of my outfit to give her any other reasons to think that.

So today, I stood in front of my open closet with a blank stare and told my husband, "I have nothing to wear!" with some dramatic flare. (Of course he did not appreciate that at 6 am) I changed my shirt 5 times before finding something I deemed appropriate and I changed my shoes to go with that shirt twice.

The irony... if I had worn black pants or khakis I would have been dressed and ready to go in 5 minutes.

need.to.create.something

I have had an intense urge to create something today. I picked out 4 yards of fabric that I had in my stash and now I'm just trying to decide what to do with them. How can I take these 8 different fabrics and make something that I (or someone else) will absolutely love?

I also want to try something new. Stretch my legs. Find a new favorite? Maybe. I'm still thinking...

The fabric is a lime/turquoise/white wonderland. If I decide to actually cut into it and start making something I'll post pictures later. Until then, I'll be dreaming of all the things it can be.

supermarket downsize

I thought I was losing my mind this morning. Seriously!

I was putting together my husband's lunch/breakfast this morning, but we were out of the bagels he takes to work for breakfast. (I'm a great wife and always have plenty of groceries on hand... just in case you were wondering!) So I decided that he would get the next best thing, a tube of Ritz crackers and a travel cup of peanut butter . Don't feel sorry for him, he could live on Ritz crackers. When I opened the box of crackers there were only 2 tubes left.

I had JUST opened the box yesterday to get crackers for myself for my tuna and crackers lunch. I distinctly remember sliding my fingers under the top flap and thinking that they must have used some strong glue. And we all know that boxes of Ritz crackers have FOUR tubes in them (at least you do if you use as many crackers as we do at my house). So why on earth are there only 2 left?

It was at this point that I went and woke up my sleeping husband to ask him if he ate a tube last night. Even though he was slightly disturbed that I was waking him up for such a petty problem, he assured me that he did not eat/take the crackers. Where is the missing tube?!

I finished getting ready and left for work, STILL wondering where the crackers could have gone. It was only when I got home this afternoon that I realized the crackers are a victim of the recent shift at the grocery store. The one where everything still costs the same, but you get less for your money. The box of Ritz crackers is now smaller and ONLY includes THREE tubes! Ahhh mystery solved. I'm not losing my mind, just my paycheck.

what I didn't know I needed

Ever since we started trying to get pregnant we have kept it very quiet. I'm talking about almost no one knows. Our parents don't even know. Aaron's mom is a little pushy and has been asking us for grandchildren practically since we got married. My mom is "the mouth of the south" as Aaron lovingly refers to her and we wouldn't have a secret anymore.

We decided to keep it quiet because I hate being ask the same question over and over and then dealing with the pity "Oh I'm so sorry" that inevitably follows. Even when I was applying for jobs, I didn't tell many people because I didn't want to explain away the interviews that didn't go my way. The psychological side of me tells me that it all goes back to not wanting to fail, and even more importantly, not wanting anyone to know about it.

The only people that know we are trying are our best friends... yup the ones that just had a beautiful little princess. Dana's mom also knows, which doesn't bother me at all. She just asks Dana for updates and has never even hinted that she knows of our struggles. That's the way I like it!

Dana asks me roughly each month if there's anything new. I know what she's asking, but she isn't pushy. She waits for me to come to her if I have something more specific to talk about. The thing that gets me is that she is so dang optimistic. And Aaron is too, oddly about this BUT NOTHING else in his entire life! I'm usually the optimistic, brighter side, happy-go-lucky one in a sea of pessimism radiating out of Dana and Aaron, but not this time. Now its my turn to be on the side of doubt and confusion and negative. Sometimes I just want to yell, "It's not that easy for us, it's not going to happen, it's going to be a long time, this isn't the month for us!"

I guess that's the great thing about friends, they know what you need and how to give it to you, even if its not what you really want to hear at the moment. Her optimism was hard to hear today, but it re-lit a glimmer of hope deep in my soul that I needed more than I even knew!