That feeling like you want to talk to someone. Someone that you know will make you feel better & have the right things to say. Someone that you can really open up to.
But for a bunch of reasons, you haven't talked to them in a couple of months.
And you're worried that just jumping back into the friendship will be awkward.
Do you risk the awkward, scary feelings and do it anyway? Or let more time pass, letting the potential weirdness grow?
I'm stuck.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Here's your BIG hug!
Very rarely I meet someone and hit it off right away, but it happened recently. We just clicked. It felt like we had a ton in common even though we only chatted for a couple of minutes.
I was ready to go from, "Nice to meet you." to "Lets be BEST friends FOREVER!!!!" in a matter of minutes.
But I was worried about letting my crazy show right away. I mean, if we're going to be BFF's I don't want to scare them off before we've even exchanged numbers or become facebook friends.
Now it's been a couple of days and I'm losing my nerve. Maybe I made up that connection I felt. Maybe they didn't feel it. I probably shouldn't friend request them now - they might not even remember me.
Maybe I SHOULD have let my crazy show because they think I'm boring for being all "Nice to meet you." {handshake} instead of "Lets be BFFs!!" {BIG hug}
This rambling, over sharer-er, instant friends, BIG hugging, crafty girl is who I am. And if someone is going to not like me, I'd rather they at least know the real me they are not liking. I'm working on stepping out of my comfort zone to be who I really am.
I was ready to go from, "Nice to meet you." to "Lets be BEST friends FOREVER!!!!" in a matter of minutes.
But I was worried about letting my crazy show right away. I mean, if we're going to be BFF's I don't want to scare them off before we've even exchanged numbers or become facebook friends.
Now it's been a couple of days and I'm losing my nerve. Maybe I made up that connection I felt. Maybe they didn't feel it. I probably shouldn't friend request them now - they might not even remember me.
Maybe I SHOULD have let my crazy show because they think I'm boring for being all "Nice to meet you." {handshake} instead of "Lets be BFFs!!" {BIG hug}
This rambling, over sharer-er, instant friends, BIG hugging, crafty girl is who I am. And if someone is going to not like me, I'd rather they at least know the real me they are not liking. I'm working on stepping out of my comfort zone to be who I really am.
C-A-R-O-L-I-N-E
My girl can spell!!
Well, her name at least. Which is a big accomplishment I think!!
8 letters is a lot for a two & half year old to remember!
She even has a cute little beat that she says it to. I've got to get her to do it on video because it is my current favorite thing that she does.
Well, her name at least. Which is a big accomplishment I think!!
8 letters is a lot for a two & half year old to remember!
She even has a cute little beat that she says it to. I've got to get her to do it on video because it is my current favorite thing that she does.
At the zoo sitting on a giant tortoise.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Beep And Pinket
Creating things feeds my soul. I feel like I've made a contribution to the world when I make things. I love being able to take a stack of fabric, skein or yarn, piece of paper or blank canvas and turn it into something unique that has never existed in that exact way before. I love being able to stretch my imagination by playing with colors, patterns, textures and designs.
This passion of mine leads to a big problem. My teeny tiny house is brimming with the products of my creative sessions. My family has more quilts and blankets than we will ever need. I've given away tons of things and most of my close friends and family are also now at capacity. It's time to find new homes for all my creations so that I can make room for all the new things I can make with my huge stash of fabric that sits and waits to become something fun.
A little over a week ago I started a facebook page to introduce all my friends to my hobbies. I'm kind of a closet crafter. Only problem - I haven't shared the page with anyone yet - except my hubby. I've added pictures of some of my completed projects and made a couple of posts. But like my hubby said, it is silly to keep posting if nobody "likes" my page yet because then I'm just talking to myself.
And I do that enough in person!! No need to get facebook involved!!
All this to say - if you are so inclined - would you please come over to Beep And Pinket on facebook and like my page? There are already quilts, crochet blankets, a banner and ruffle pants posted. Tomorrow if the sunshine cooperates, I have some minky blankets and a BUNCH more banners to take pictures of and post.
The plan is to also have an Etsy store with these items for sale. I just need to get some pictures of the for sale stuff that will make people want to click through and look at them.
In the mean time, if there is anything sewing related that you are looking for, please leave me a comment or facebook message! I love the creative challenge of making something special specifically for someone else. I'd love to chat and see if I can make what you are looking for!!
Thanks for letting me shamelessly self-promote! I really appreciate any and all support!!!
****And here's to being brave and sharing the page with my friends! I'm sure they'll all be as supportive as the "strangers" who read my blog!! ;) ****
This passion of mine leads to a big problem. My teeny tiny house is brimming with the products of my creative sessions. My family has more quilts and blankets than we will ever need. I've given away tons of things and most of my close friends and family are also now at capacity. It's time to find new homes for all my creations so that I can make room for all the new things I can make with my huge stash of fabric that sits and waits to become something fun.
A little over a week ago I started a facebook page to introduce all my friends to my hobbies. I'm kind of a closet crafter. Only problem - I haven't shared the page with anyone yet - except my hubby. I've added pictures of some of my completed projects and made a couple of posts. But like my hubby said, it is silly to keep posting if nobody "likes" my page yet because then I'm just talking to myself.
And I do that enough in person!! No need to get facebook involved!!
All this to say - if you are so inclined - would you please come over to Beep And Pinket on facebook and like my page? There are already quilts, crochet blankets, a banner and ruffle pants posted. Tomorrow if the sunshine cooperates, I have some minky blankets and a BUNCH more banners to take pictures of and post.
The plan is to also have an Etsy store with these items for sale. I just need to get some pictures of the for sale stuff that will make people want to click through and look at them.
In the mean time, if there is anything sewing related that you are looking for, please leave me a comment or facebook message! I love the creative challenge of making something special specifically for someone else. I'd love to chat and see if I can make what you are looking for!!
Thanks for letting me shamelessly self-promote! I really appreciate any and all support!!!
****And here's to being brave and sharing the page with my friends! I'm sure they'll all be as supportive as the "strangers" who read my blog!! ;) ****
Friday, March 1, 2013
Only a year tardy - Nathan's birth
I went back and forth pretty much the whole 9 months between whether I wanted to have a repeat c-section or a VBAC. Deep down in my heart I really really REALLY wanted the VBAC, but I was also scared.
What if I went through 19 hours of labor again and STILL ended up with a c-section.
What if I just proved to myself that I really am a wuss and can't hack it.
What if I was part of that teeny tiny number of people who have complications and I can never have children again, or worse risk my life or the life of my baby.
I think if I could have quieted those fears, I would have tried a little harder for a VBAC. Instead I kinda whimped out.
My doctor was supportive of whatever I wanted to do. He was more than willing to help me try for a VBAC if that was what I wanted. He was also fine with scheduling a c-section up to a week before my due date. Since I'm a bigger girl & Aaron is a bigger guy we were always on the watch for a big baby which would make a VBAC harder since I was considered "failure to progress" with Caroline. I decided that if I went into labor on my own before my due date I would actively try for the VBAC. (I thought this was a good possibility since Caroline came 4 days before her due date.) However, if nothing was happening by my due date I would have a c-section that Friday.
Friday morning my sister and brother-in-law came over to watch Caroline for the weekend. Caroline was as excited as a 20 month old could be. She knew a baby was coming and she liked babies, so we were good there. My mom was also coming over to hang out and wait for baby news.
I snuggled and kissed Caroline until she refused to let me near her any more. We took pictures of the 3 of us for the last time as a family of 3. I rechecked my hospital bag and went over the long list/schedule I was leaving for Caroline. (It was the first time I was leaving her over night!)
Around 11:30 we headed for the hospital for my noon check in. My c-section was scheduled to start around 1. On the way to the hospital we talked about names again. We were pretty set but not knowing whether you are having a boy or girl will make you question your name choices at the last minute. Or maybe that's just me! This hospital trip was so different than the first time. We were calm & laughing. We parked in the far lot and walked in - one more last ditch effort to start labor with a 3 minute walk.
We went right up to L&D. They were expecting us and had my paper work started already. There were still about 3,794,291 questions to answer though. I was in a room much like the one I was in with Caroline but instead of a bed they had a rocking chair. They made me put on the lovely hospital gowns right away. And then the waiting started.
We both sat kind of quietly. Just letting our thoughts wonder. We did take a minute to both predict when the baby was coming, what we were having & how big it would be. The nurse came in and reminded us that we could watch TV if we wanted. For some reason that had never occurred to me before she said it.
The anesthesiologist came in and went over all the risks with me. I told her about the trouble they had with my epidural the last time and she assured me that they wouldn't have any trouble with a spinal. As I was signing the papers she got a call and had to step out. The nurse came in and said that we were being bumped for an emergency c-section. Aaron texted everyone to let them know that we wouldn't have baby news any time soon.
Around 4 my doctor came in to ask if I still wanted to do this today. He was obviously joking but I know he had to have been a little frustrated - it was late Friday afternoon and I'm sure he was ready to get his weekend started. He said it wouldn't be much longer, they were just cleaning up the operating room. It wasn't long before the nurse brought Aaron his snazzy blue suit to wear and told me it was time to put on my hair net. Oh goody! The nurse also made me drink a terrible shot of anti-nausea medicine. I still shudder just thinking about it.
This time I got to walk back to the operating room & climb up on the table. The anesthesiologist (a guy now, the lady doc had gone by then) started my spinal and it was leaps and bounds easier than the epidural. Either that or he was just a MUCH more competent doctor. While he was placing the spinal and then for several minutes after I listened to the OR nurses look through several trays of instruments and comment about how they didn't look like they had been well sanitized. Thankfully they were very disturbed by this and throwing those trays out. I did start to worry when they said they were down to their last 2 trays.
Finally more people started coming in - the baby's nurses, the doctor, my nurses, and most importantly Aaron! Right before Aaron got there I got super nauseous and the anesthesiologist had to give me some medicine through my IV to keep me from getting sick. I ended up needing 2 more of those booster shots in my IV during the surgery. Feeling so sick caught me completely off guard because that did NOT happen when I had Caroline.
The actual surgery took a little bit longer because of the scar tissue from my first c-section. My doctor also mentioned that the baby was still very high up in there. (This gave me some peace about my decision since they said Caroline was too high to help me progress which leads me to believe that even with labor I would have ended up with a c-section.)
We finally got to the pushing and tugging part. I was so excited to know who this baby was. And once again I was completely surprised when the doctor said, "It's a boy! It's definitely a boy! That's ALL boy!!" The doctor stepped to my side of the blue sheet to show me this little person who I already loved so much.
My favorite thing about this birth compared to Caroline's was that the hospital had changed policies in the 20 months since we'd been there. Healthy newborns are no longer taken to the nursery and away from the mommies during recovery. This time Aaron stayed with me and held our tiny little man the whole time I was getting sewn up and in recovery.
I would have enjoyed it even more if I hadn't gotten violently ill. With no more IV boosters of the anti-nausea meds I threw up for the next 2 hours. Which is a pretty funny trick since I hadn't eaten in at least 18 hours. I can tell you one thing - throwing up while you have an incision cut all the way across your belly is hell. There's no other way to describe it. I've thought about it more times than I can count and the only thing different about the 2 c-sections is that I had to drink that terrible anti-nausea medicine the second time. Oh the irony.
Aaron got some good quality baby snuggling time sitting right next to my bed while I was in recovery. They finally took us all back to the room and it was then time for them to take our little man to the nursery to get a check-up. At this point I had only held him for about half a minute and I hadn't tried to feed him at all yet.
While he was in the nursery, Aaron and I finalized his name and officially decided on Nathan. We also talked about how crazy it was that both of our children had the EXACT SAME birth weight and were only born 12 minutes apart. And I threw up some more.
When Nathan came back I got a chance to nurse him a little and Aaron called our families. Once again, we didn't tell them who we had welcomed to the family over the phone. They'd have to come to the hospital to find out!
I wanted Caroline to be the first one (besides Aaron and I) to meet Nathan. Since my sister, brother-in-law, and parents were with her they all met him at the same time. It was WAY past Caroline's bed time by this point and she had had a busy/unusual day so she was super tired and just wanted to lay with Mommy in the bed. But she did like to look at Nathan and wanted to touch him. She didn't seem jealous of him at all, even when I was holding him. It helped a little that Nathan brought her a present - her very own camera to take all the pictures she wanted.
Aaron's parents also came to meet Nathan the night he was born. We had lots of visitors for the rest of the weekend, but also had plenty of time to rest and get to know this little guy who stole our hearts right from the start.
We are so blessed with our two little kiddos. I'm thankful that they are both happy and healthy. I love that they get along so well right now. Whenever Caroline says that they are best friends my heart just bursts with love for both of them.
What if I went through 19 hours of labor again and STILL ended up with a c-section.
What if I just proved to myself that I really am a wuss and can't hack it.
What if I was part of that teeny tiny number of people who have complications and I can never have children again, or worse risk my life or the life of my baby.
I think if I could have quieted those fears, I would have tried a little harder for a VBAC. Instead I kinda whimped out.
My doctor was supportive of whatever I wanted to do. He was more than willing to help me try for a VBAC if that was what I wanted. He was also fine with scheduling a c-section up to a week before my due date. Since I'm a bigger girl & Aaron is a bigger guy we were always on the watch for a big baby which would make a VBAC harder since I was considered "failure to progress" with Caroline. I decided that if I went into labor on my own before my due date I would actively try for the VBAC. (I thought this was a good possibility since Caroline came 4 days before her due date.) However, if nothing was happening by my due date I would have a c-section that Friday.
Friday morning my sister and brother-in-law came over to watch Caroline for the weekend. Caroline was as excited as a 20 month old could be. She knew a baby was coming and she liked babies, so we were good there. My mom was also coming over to hang out and wait for baby news.
I snuggled and kissed Caroline until she refused to let me near her any more. We took pictures of the 3 of us for the last time as a family of 3. I rechecked my hospital bag and went over the long list/schedule I was leaving for Caroline. (It was the first time I was leaving her over night!)
Around 11:30 we headed for the hospital for my noon check in. My c-section was scheduled to start around 1. On the way to the hospital we talked about names again. We were pretty set but not knowing whether you are having a boy or girl will make you question your name choices at the last minute. Or maybe that's just me! This hospital trip was so different than the first time. We were calm & laughing. We parked in the far lot and walked in - one more last ditch effort to start labor with a 3 minute walk.
We went right up to L&D. They were expecting us and had my paper work started already. There were still about 3,794,291 questions to answer though. I was in a room much like the one I was in with Caroline but instead of a bed they had a rocking chair. They made me put on the lovely hospital gowns right away. And then the waiting started.
We both sat kind of quietly. Just letting our thoughts wonder. We did take a minute to both predict when the baby was coming, what we were having & how big it would be. The nurse came in and reminded us that we could watch TV if we wanted. For some reason that had never occurred to me before she said it.
The anesthesiologist came in and went over all the risks with me. I told her about the trouble they had with my epidural the last time and she assured me that they wouldn't have any trouble with a spinal. As I was signing the papers she got a call and had to step out. The nurse came in and said that we were being bumped for an emergency c-section. Aaron texted everyone to let them know that we wouldn't have baby news any time soon.
Around 4 my doctor came in to ask if I still wanted to do this today. He was obviously joking but I know he had to have been a little frustrated - it was late Friday afternoon and I'm sure he was ready to get his weekend started. He said it wouldn't be much longer, they were just cleaning up the operating room. It wasn't long before the nurse brought Aaron his snazzy blue suit to wear and told me it was time to put on my hair net. Oh goody! The nurse also made me drink a terrible shot of anti-nausea medicine. I still shudder just thinking about it.
This time I got to walk back to the operating room & climb up on the table. The anesthesiologist (a guy now, the lady doc had gone by then) started my spinal and it was leaps and bounds easier than the epidural. Either that or he was just a MUCH more competent doctor. While he was placing the spinal and then for several minutes after I listened to the OR nurses look through several trays of instruments and comment about how they didn't look like they had been well sanitized. Thankfully they were very disturbed by this and throwing those trays out. I did start to worry when they said they were down to their last 2 trays.
Finally more people started coming in - the baby's nurses, the doctor, my nurses, and most importantly Aaron! Right before Aaron got there I got super nauseous and the anesthesiologist had to give me some medicine through my IV to keep me from getting sick. I ended up needing 2 more of those booster shots in my IV during the surgery. Feeling so sick caught me completely off guard because that did NOT happen when I had Caroline.
The actual surgery took a little bit longer because of the scar tissue from my first c-section. My doctor also mentioned that the baby was still very high up in there. (This gave me some peace about my decision since they said Caroline was too high to help me progress which leads me to believe that even with labor I would have ended up with a c-section.)
We finally got to the pushing and tugging part. I was so excited to know who this baby was. And once again I was completely surprised when the doctor said, "It's a boy! It's definitely a boy! That's ALL boy!!" The doctor stepped to my side of the blue sheet to show me this little person who I already loved so much.
My favorite thing about this birth compared to Caroline's was that the hospital had changed policies in the 20 months since we'd been there. Healthy newborns are no longer taken to the nursery and away from the mommies during recovery. This time Aaron stayed with me and held our tiny little man the whole time I was getting sewn up and in recovery.
I would have enjoyed it even more if I hadn't gotten violently ill. With no more IV boosters of the anti-nausea meds I threw up for the next 2 hours. Which is a pretty funny trick since I hadn't eaten in at least 18 hours. I can tell you one thing - throwing up while you have an incision cut all the way across your belly is hell. There's no other way to describe it. I've thought about it more times than I can count and the only thing different about the 2 c-sections is that I had to drink that terrible anti-nausea medicine the second time. Oh the irony.
Aaron got some good quality baby snuggling time sitting right next to my bed while I was in recovery. They finally took us all back to the room and it was then time for them to take our little man to the nursery to get a check-up. At this point I had only held him for about half a minute and I hadn't tried to feed him at all yet.
While he was in the nursery, Aaron and I finalized his name and officially decided on Nathan. We also talked about how crazy it was that both of our children had the EXACT SAME birth weight and were only born 12 minutes apart. And I threw up some more.
When Nathan came back I got a chance to nurse him a little and Aaron called our families. Once again, we didn't tell them who we had welcomed to the family over the phone. They'd have to come to the hospital to find out!
I wanted Caroline to be the first one (besides Aaron and I) to meet Nathan. Since my sister, brother-in-law, and parents were with her they all met him at the same time. It was WAY past Caroline's bed time by this point and she had had a busy/unusual day so she was super tired and just wanted to lay with Mommy in the bed. But she did like to look at Nathan and wanted to touch him. She didn't seem jealous of him at all, even when I was holding him. It helped a little that Nathan brought her a present - her very own camera to take all the pictures she wanted.
Aaron's parents also came to meet Nathan the night he was born. We had lots of visitors for the rest of the weekend, but also had plenty of time to rest and get to know this little guy who stole our hearts right from the start.
We are so blessed with our two little kiddos. I'm thankful that they are both happy and healthy. I love that they get along so well right now. Whenever Caroline says that they are best friends my heart just bursts with love for both of them.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Two and a half years later - Caroline's birth
My sister is only a couple weeks out from having her first baby. And my little man will be a year old in just a few days. Couple that with several birth stories I've read lately on blogs I follow and I've got babies and birth stories on my brain!
Caroline's birth happened almost 3 years ago. I tried to write about it once and I didn't feel like I was doing it justice and quit. But I'm determined to get it written down and recorded before any more time goes by and all the details get fuzzy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my due date got close, Aaron and I would go for long walks in the evening after work. On Monday we had walked 3 miles and Tuesday we walked 4. During the walks both days I would get light contractions during the walk that stopped as soon as I sat down to rest. After our walk on Tuesday we went to Five Guys to get burgers and fries for dinner and then we walked around a little more in the Town Center before getting italian ices and going home.
Aaron fell asleep on the couch while I read some blogs, checked facebook, got some stuff ready for our Kindergarten end of the year ceremony the next day, and then watched some TV while bouncing on my exercise ball. Around 9:30 I was sitting on the ball when I felt a pop (like a rubber band) and a small trickle of water. It was nothing like a gush that you hear about when people tell you that your water might break. But because of the pop & since the trickle didn't stop for a while I thought it was probably my water breaking.
I went and checked/repacked my hospital bag, took a shower, and got some other things in order. By about midnight I was having light contractions but they were pretty close together. I woke Aaron up from the couch and said, "I don't think you are going to work tomorrow." He was so confused and cute at first! We waited until about 2am & I called the doctor on call. He was not very helpful, but that could have been because I woke him up. I told him that I *thought* my water had broken & I was having contractions every 5 minutes but that they were not very strong. He said I would KNOW if my water had broken and if it had I should go to the hospital. So we went.
We had to go in through the ER and the receptionist ask my how my pain was on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being nothing and 10 being worst ever. In all honesty I was probably between a 3 and 4, but the number 7 jumped out of my mouth with no warning. They took me upstairs to L&D.
The L&D nurse did not believe that my water had broken. She hooked me up to the monitor and I was definitely having regular contractions but they were pretty weak. She checked me for dilation and said I was at 1. DO WHAT!? At this point it was early Wednesday morning and I had been to the doctor on Monday and he checked me and said I was a 3. Either my cervix was closing or somebody was messing with me!
She told me I could walk the halls for a couple of hours to see if I made any progress or I could go home. *Here's where hindsight is 20/20 and I would have changed my plan if I had been thinking clearly.* I choose to walk. And we did until about 5 am. When she checked me again she said I was a 4 and she would admit me! I was ecstatic about such progress! From a 1-4 in 2 hours - I was sure I was on the fast track to a baby!! She offered to let me keep walking or she would take me and hook me up to a machine & let me rest for awhile. At this point I had been awake for over 24 hours and I was exhausted. I should have gone home to rest when she told me I was a 1. I really think that getting some sleep then could have changed the entire outcome. (For some reason I had convinced myself that if I went home I would have to go to work the next day. I'm ridiculous! I know!)
My plan was to lay down and rest for a little while so they could monitor the baby & my contractions and then get up and walk or rock or do anything to help manage my pain better. Somehow that never worked out. Once I got in that bed & on that machine, I didn't get up again.
By this point the contractions were starting to get stronger but they were spacing out. I was resting between contractions - sometimes even drifting off. Aaron was sitting on the couch across the room between contractions and he was drifting off too.
I was feeling a little guilty that I would miss the last 3 days of the school year and especially our end of the year party with the parents. I was "dreaming" about my class when I drifted off. Aaron said that one time I woke him up saying, "I don't care who picks them up, but somebody better pick up these crayons!" It gave him a good laugh!
At some point the contractions were getting too far apart & the doctor said that we needed to start pitocin. It was really the last thing I wanted to do but I was too tired to argue (or form coherent sentences). And I was beginning to think that anything that would get the baby out faster was a good idea.
They started the pitocin and I hated having to be in the bed. I figured that if they could give me something to take the edge off I could keep my mind off the pain long enough to get some more rest. But the nurse said my blood pressure was not ideal and my only pain option was an epidural.
That was NOT my plan.
I hated being so weak in front of my husband. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to think I was strong. I wanted him to be impressed.
But I was giving up & getting the epidural.
That was NOT my plan.
I was upset.
I cried. A lot.
To add insult to injury, the epidural was a nightmare. I'm not a tiny person. The anesthesiologist had a hard time getting the needle in the right place. He stuck me literally 15+ times. No exaggeration. I cried the entire time. I'm so glad that Aaron got to stay in the room with me, because I know that is not the practice everywhere. The doc finally got it in and they laid me back in the bed saying I should be feeling immediate relief. And I was - on my right side. My left side was still feeling everything.
I'm not entirely sure that it was worse than being able to feel it full strength on both sides, but I do know that if I hadn't gotten the epidural I would have been able to get out of bed. Or move. And maybe I would have been able to find my own relief if I could have moved. But at this point half of my body was completely numb and half was in complete pain and I could not adjust myself at all to find relief. It was terrible.
The doctor, who I had never met before, came in to break my water around noon. He stuck the little orange peeler tool in there, fished around for a minute, then took it out and said, "Your water is already broken. It's not intact." I felt a bit of my spirit come back. I had been right! My water didn't gush, but it had broken last night.
Around 2pm the nurse came in and said I was an 8. I saw a dim light at the end of the tunnel. I had renewed hope that I could make it to the end.
Around 3:30 I thought I was feeling pressure and the pain had intensified so I ask to be checked again. This time the doctor came in. I was hoping and praying that he would say I was a 10 and the baby was ready to slide out! Instead he said I was a 6. SIX!? Are you kidding me!? Is it closing up again? Was someone really messing with me?!
He also said that he could let me go several more hours, but he felt the result would be the same. He saw this ending in a c-section. Then he ask, "Do you want to do this now or wait and do it later?" Leading question much? I told him to just do it. I'd been awake for 36 hours and hadn't eaten in nearly 22 hours. I was done.
I don't remember a ton about getting ready for the c-section, except more crying on my part. But I do remember having the shakes. I wasn't cold, but I couldn't stop them. They had to redo my epidural and may have given me a spinal. Either way, I didn't have any pain during the c-section, praise the Lord!
Aaron came in the operating room wearing the blue suit with our camera & video camera. He sat right next to my head and kept asking if I was ok as tears slipped out of my eyes and down my cheeks.
At 4:57pm the doctor pulled an 8 pound 9 ounce baby from my belly and said, "It's a girl!"
I looked at Aaron and said, "Are you sure?"
He said, "Yep, It's a girl!!"
What a complete and wonderful surprise! She had a wonderful set of lungs!!
After several minutes of tests and checks they wrapped her up for me to nuzzle. Then Aaron went with her as they headed to the nursery and I got stitched up.
I was in recovery for quite awhile. The nurse kept telling me to breathe deeper. Apparently I was really taking advantage of this time and sleeping which meant that I was not breathing frequently enough to please the machine I was on. I didn't get back to my room until 7pm - during shift change - the recieving nurse was not happy, and I felt bad, but she said latter that she was upset at the nurse who brought me back right at the most hectic time without even a warning.
During that time Caroline got hungry and the nursery staff fed her a bottle. (This was a huge frustration for me because I planned to breastfeed exclusively, but luckily she caught on and the bottle didn't do any damage.)
By the time I got back to the room, we felt like we really needed to call family right away and let them know we were all healthy. Unfortunately we jumped the gun and all the family got to our room before Caroline. I hadn't even gotten a chance to meet her - to hold her.
Aaron's parents & sister, my parents, and Dana & Michael came by that night to meet her. We were sort of mean and wouldn't tell any of them whether we had a boy or girl until they got to the hospital. I slipped when my parents came in though. Caroline had been taken back to the nursery for something and when they came in I said, "She's down in the nursery, but it shouldn't be too much longer." Mom caught it right away. So we went ahead and shared the name while we were waiting for her to get back.
I am beyond grateful that Caroline and I were healthy and that there really weren't any major complications. It may not have gone like I wanted it to, but I'm certain that God had a reason for the way things went and knew how it would turn out long before the journey started.
Even two and a half years later, I'm struggling with feeling like I missed something or that I haven't experienced all of womanhood because I didn't have a vaginal birth. I feel ridiculous even saying that because I was blessed to be able to carry 2 pregnancies (so far) and I have 2 beautiful children. What difference does it make how they came into the world. I remind myself constantly that I am thankful that I was able to have them at all.
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Up next, Nathan's birth story. I've got baby fever BAD! :)
Caroline's birth happened almost 3 years ago. I tried to write about it once and I didn't feel like I was doing it justice and quit. But I'm determined to get it written down and recorded before any more time goes by and all the details get fuzzy.
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As my due date got close, Aaron and I would go for long walks in the evening after work. On Monday we had walked 3 miles and Tuesday we walked 4. During the walks both days I would get light contractions during the walk that stopped as soon as I sat down to rest. After our walk on Tuesday we went to Five Guys to get burgers and fries for dinner and then we walked around a little more in the Town Center before getting italian ices and going home.
Aaron fell asleep on the couch while I read some blogs, checked facebook, got some stuff ready for our Kindergarten end of the year ceremony the next day, and then watched some TV while bouncing on my exercise ball. Around 9:30 I was sitting on the ball when I felt a pop (like a rubber band) and a small trickle of water. It was nothing like a gush that you hear about when people tell you that your water might break. But because of the pop & since the trickle didn't stop for a while I thought it was probably my water breaking.
I went and checked/repacked my hospital bag, took a shower, and got some other things in order. By about midnight I was having light contractions but they were pretty close together. I woke Aaron up from the couch and said, "I don't think you are going to work tomorrow." He was so confused and cute at first! We waited until about 2am & I called the doctor on call. He was not very helpful, but that could have been because I woke him up. I told him that I *thought* my water had broken & I was having contractions every 5 minutes but that they were not very strong. He said I would KNOW if my water had broken and if it had I should go to the hospital. So we went.
We had to go in through the ER and the receptionist ask my how my pain was on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being nothing and 10 being worst ever. In all honesty I was probably between a 3 and 4, but the number 7 jumped out of my mouth with no warning. They took me upstairs to L&D.
The L&D nurse did not believe that my water had broken. She hooked me up to the monitor and I was definitely having regular contractions but they were pretty weak. She checked me for dilation and said I was at 1. DO WHAT!? At this point it was early Wednesday morning and I had been to the doctor on Monday and he checked me and said I was a 3. Either my cervix was closing or somebody was messing with me!
She told me I could walk the halls for a couple of hours to see if I made any progress or I could go home. *Here's where hindsight is 20/20 and I would have changed my plan if I had been thinking clearly.* I choose to walk. And we did until about 5 am. When she checked me again she said I was a 4 and she would admit me! I was ecstatic about such progress! From a 1-4 in 2 hours - I was sure I was on the fast track to a baby!! She offered to let me keep walking or she would take me and hook me up to a machine & let me rest for awhile. At this point I had been awake for over 24 hours and I was exhausted. I should have gone home to rest when she told me I was a 1. I really think that getting some sleep then could have changed the entire outcome. (For some reason I had convinced myself that if I went home I would have to go to work the next day. I'm ridiculous! I know!)
My plan was to lay down and rest for a little while so they could monitor the baby & my contractions and then get up and walk or rock or do anything to help manage my pain better. Somehow that never worked out. Once I got in that bed & on that machine, I didn't get up again.
By this point the contractions were starting to get stronger but they were spacing out. I was resting between contractions - sometimes even drifting off. Aaron was sitting on the couch across the room between contractions and he was drifting off too.
I was feeling a little guilty that I would miss the last 3 days of the school year and especially our end of the year party with the parents. I was "dreaming" about my class when I drifted off. Aaron said that one time I woke him up saying, "I don't care who picks them up, but somebody better pick up these crayons!" It gave him a good laugh!
At some point the contractions were getting too far apart & the doctor said that we needed to start pitocin. It was really the last thing I wanted to do but I was too tired to argue (or form coherent sentences). And I was beginning to think that anything that would get the baby out faster was a good idea.
They started the pitocin and I hated having to be in the bed. I figured that if they could give me something to take the edge off I could keep my mind off the pain long enough to get some more rest. But the nurse said my blood pressure was not ideal and my only pain option was an epidural.
That was NOT my plan.
I hated being so weak in front of my husband. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to think I was strong. I wanted him to be impressed.
But I was giving up & getting the epidural.
That was NOT my plan.
I was upset.
I cried. A lot.
To add insult to injury, the epidural was a nightmare. I'm not a tiny person. The anesthesiologist had a hard time getting the needle in the right place. He stuck me literally 15+ times. No exaggeration. I cried the entire time. I'm so glad that Aaron got to stay in the room with me, because I know that is not the practice everywhere. The doc finally got it in and they laid me back in the bed saying I should be feeling immediate relief. And I was - on my right side. My left side was still feeling everything.
I'm not entirely sure that it was worse than being able to feel it full strength on both sides, but I do know that if I hadn't gotten the epidural I would have been able to get out of bed. Or move. And maybe I would have been able to find my own relief if I could have moved. But at this point half of my body was completely numb and half was in complete pain and I could not adjust myself at all to find relief. It was terrible.
The doctor, who I had never met before, came in to break my water around noon. He stuck the little orange peeler tool in there, fished around for a minute, then took it out and said, "Your water is already broken. It's not intact." I felt a bit of my spirit come back. I had been right! My water didn't gush, but it had broken last night.
Around 2pm the nurse came in and said I was an 8. I saw a dim light at the end of the tunnel. I had renewed hope that I could make it to the end.
Around 3:30 I thought I was feeling pressure and the pain had intensified so I ask to be checked again. This time the doctor came in. I was hoping and praying that he would say I was a 10 and the baby was ready to slide out! Instead he said I was a 6. SIX!? Are you kidding me!? Is it closing up again? Was someone really messing with me?!
He also said that he could let me go several more hours, but he felt the result would be the same. He saw this ending in a c-section. Then he ask, "Do you want to do this now or wait and do it later?" Leading question much? I told him to just do it. I'd been awake for 36 hours and hadn't eaten in nearly 22 hours. I was done.
I don't remember a ton about getting ready for the c-section, except more crying on my part. But I do remember having the shakes. I wasn't cold, but I couldn't stop them. They had to redo my epidural and may have given me a spinal. Either way, I didn't have any pain during the c-section, praise the Lord!
Aaron came in the operating room wearing the blue suit with our camera & video camera. He sat right next to my head and kept asking if I was ok as tears slipped out of my eyes and down my cheeks.
At 4:57pm the doctor pulled an 8 pound 9 ounce baby from my belly and said, "It's a girl!"
I looked at Aaron and said, "Are you sure?"
He said, "Yep, It's a girl!!"
What a complete and wonderful surprise! She had a wonderful set of lungs!!
After several minutes of tests and checks they wrapped her up for me to nuzzle. Then Aaron went with her as they headed to the nursery and I got stitched up.
I was in recovery for quite awhile. The nurse kept telling me to breathe deeper. Apparently I was really taking advantage of this time and sleeping which meant that I was not breathing frequently enough to please the machine I was on. I didn't get back to my room until 7pm - during shift change - the recieving nurse was not happy, and I felt bad, but she said latter that she was upset at the nurse who brought me back right at the most hectic time without even a warning.
During that time Caroline got hungry and the nursery staff fed her a bottle. (This was a huge frustration for me because I planned to breastfeed exclusively, but luckily she caught on and the bottle didn't do any damage.)
By the time I got back to the room, we felt like we really needed to call family right away and let them know we were all healthy. Unfortunately we jumped the gun and all the family got to our room before Caroline. I hadn't even gotten a chance to meet her - to hold her.
Aaron's parents & sister, my parents, and Dana & Michael came by that night to meet her. We were sort of mean and wouldn't tell any of them whether we had a boy or girl until they got to the hospital. I slipped when my parents came in though. Caroline had been taken back to the nursery for something and when they came in I said, "She's down in the nursery, but it shouldn't be too much longer." Mom caught it right away. So we went ahead and shared the name while we were waiting for her to get back.
I am beyond grateful that Caroline and I were healthy and that there really weren't any major complications. It may not have gone like I wanted it to, but I'm certain that God had a reason for the way things went and knew how it would turn out long before the journey started.
Even two and a half years later, I'm struggling with feeling like I missed something or that I haven't experienced all of womanhood because I didn't have a vaginal birth. I feel ridiculous even saying that because I was blessed to be able to carry 2 pregnancies (so far) and I have 2 beautiful children. What difference does it make how they came into the world. I remind myself constantly that I am thankful that I was able to have them at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Up next, Nathan's birth story. I've got baby fever BAD! :)
Friday, February 8, 2013
Conversations with Caroline
Multiple times a day I am reminded that Caroline is hilarious!
Tonight we were trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have a long established aversion to cooking on Friday nights. Aaron and I had narrowed it down a pizza/pasta place, a mexican restaurant, or a burger place, but we just couldn't make a decision.
Aaron decided to ask Caroline if she had a preference. He ask if she wanted pizza, pasta, tacos, or nuggets and put up one finger with each one - ending with 4 fingers out and his thumb still bent into his palm. She walked over to him, bent all 4 fingers back down, lifted his thumb and said, "I want a biscuit!"
She had been telling me that she wanted a biscuit since lunch time and I had explained to her that I would make biscuits on Saturday morning for breakfast. She decided to try her luck with Daddy and see if he could make her biscuit request a reality before the morning.
After she made her request for a biscuit she got the remote, turned the TV off, and turned the lights off. "Let's go in my car now." she said like if she hurried us out the door we wouldn't have time to decide on anything else and would be forced to get her a biscuit!
*For the record - we had mexican! :)
Tonight we were trying to decide what we were going to have for dinner. I have a long established aversion to cooking on Friday nights. Aaron and I had narrowed it down a pizza/pasta place, a mexican restaurant, or a burger place, but we just couldn't make a decision.
Aaron decided to ask Caroline if she had a preference. He ask if she wanted pizza, pasta, tacos, or nuggets and put up one finger with each one - ending with 4 fingers out and his thumb still bent into his palm. She walked over to him, bent all 4 fingers back down, lifted his thumb and said, "I want a biscuit!"
She had been telling me that she wanted a biscuit since lunch time and I had explained to her that I would make biscuits on Saturday morning for breakfast. She decided to try her luck with Daddy and see if he could make her biscuit request a reality before the morning.
After she made her request for a biscuit she got the remote, turned the TV off, and turned the lights off. "Let's go in my car now." she said like if she hurried us out the door we wouldn't have time to decide on anything else and would be forced to get her a biscuit!
*For the record - we had mexican! :)
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